Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
