she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
