i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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