She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
