I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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