so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
