In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
