wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
