I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
