Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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