You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
