Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
