Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
