all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
