I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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