sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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