there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
