My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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