I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
