I puked a lego.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
