Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
