totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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