I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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