I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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