I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
