My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
