she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
