woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
