They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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