I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
