The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
