Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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