haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
