My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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