omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
