I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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