i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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