For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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