my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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