you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
