did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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