omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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