THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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