You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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