I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
