I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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