his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
