Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthdayâ€
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
