You're a womanizer and a bitch.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
