WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
