Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
