Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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