the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
