my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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