Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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