All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
