you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
